Cloud by Day and Fire by Night

Here's that crayon art. Please, no need for applause.

I'm not okay right now. Is it okay if I say that? You see, my grandfather has Leukemia and he doesn't have long. I always knew a day like this would come, but I hid it away in the back of my mind. Now, what was once nothing more to me than a preview for a scary movie I'd see on television and never watch is my reality.

I know a lot of people who have been through unimaginable tragedies lately. They've lost children, parents, siblings, and more. Sometimes everything seems dark. I haven't even lost my grandfather yet and I already know that.

When you're on a cruise,  there's something called a muster drill. This is the time when you are told what to do in case the ship starts sinking. They give you a life jacket with a whistle and a water-activated light. Sometimes life feels like you've been tossed into a roaring sea on a moonless night with no life jacket, let alone a whistle or a water-activated light: life has no muster drill.

I feel like I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death- just not mine. It's almost worse than the fear of my own death, if I'm honest. If I were the one that was sick, I'd have the peace of knowing that I was headed to the arms of Jesus when all was said and done. The illness would last for a while, but something greater than I could ever imagine would be waiting on the other side. It isn't like that when someone you love is dying. I know that my grandfather is going to be with the Lord when he dies. I know he will be okay.

I'm not okay- not right now- at least. The thought of losing him is unbearable. People have told me he is a great man and I know he is. I know that my life would likely be drastically different if it weren't for him. I can't stand the thought that someday I'll walk into my grandparent's house and no one will be sitting in his recliner. One second I'll be perfectly fine and the very next one I'm in tears just trying to hold it together and trying to be strong. Most everyone has been through either what I'm going through or something worse. I wish that the here and now was a memory and not reality.

All isn't lost. The other night I was working on a crayon melting craft with lots of blues and white. Inexplicably, I decided to flip my canvas upside down and start melting reds and oranges in the other direction. God put Exodus 13:21 on my heart:

 "And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night."

 I really needed that. I feel like God wants to lead me out of the darkness I'm living in. He wants to lead me out of sadness, hurt, and growing bitterness. I just have to let Him. You see, we can't guide ourselves through the times in life when the cities of our lives are being dissolved to rubble by an earthquake we never could have anticipated. If I try to guide myself right now I'll just walk around in circles in the dark. 

-Caitlin