Cloud by Day and Fire by Night

Here's that crayon art. Please, no need for applause.

I'm not okay right now. Is it okay if I say that? You see, my grandfather has Leukemia and he doesn't have long. I always knew a day like this would come, but I hid it away in the back of my mind. Now, what was once nothing more to me than a preview for a scary movie I'd see on television and never watch is my reality.

I know a lot of people who have been through unimaginable tragedies lately. They've lost children, parents, siblings, and more. Sometimes everything seems dark. I haven't even lost my grandfather yet and I already know that.

When you're on a cruise,  there's something called a muster drill. This is the time when you are told what to do in case the ship starts sinking. They give you a life jacket with a whistle and a water-activated light. Sometimes life feels like you've been tossed into a roaring sea on a moonless night with no life jacket, let alone a whistle or a water-activated light: life has no muster drill.

I feel like I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death- just not mine. It's almost worse than the fear of my own death, if I'm honest. If I were the one that was sick, I'd have the peace of knowing that I was headed to the arms of Jesus when all was said and done. The illness would last for a while, but something greater than I could ever imagine would be waiting on the other side. It isn't like that when someone you love is dying. I know that my grandfather is going to be with the Lord when he dies. I know he will be okay.

I'm not okay- not right now- at least. The thought of losing him is unbearable. People have told me he is a great man and I know he is. I know that my life would likely be drastically different if it weren't for him. I can't stand the thought that someday I'll walk into my grandparent's house and no one will be sitting in his recliner. One second I'll be perfectly fine and the very next one I'm in tears just trying to hold it together and trying to be strong. Most everyone has been through either what I'm going through or something worse. I wish that the here and now was a memory and not reality.

All isn't lost. The other night I was working on a crayon melting craft with lots of blues and white. Inexplicably, I decided to flip my canvas upside down and start melting reds and oranges in the other direction. God put Exodus 13:21 on my heart:

 "And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night."

 I really needed that. I feel like God wants to lead me out of the darkness I'm living in. He wants to lead me out of sadness, hurt, and growing bitterness. I just have to let Him. You see, we can't guide ourselves through the times in life when the cities of our lives are being dissolved to rubble by an earthquake we never could have anticipated. If I try to guide myself right now I'll just walk around in circles in the dark. 

-Caitlin

Why I Gave My Hair to Locks of Love

I was recently trying out a coconut oil hair treatment (more on that on here) which afforded me a good half hour to sit and think about life. I began to think about how long and heavy my hair had gotten since I started growing it out and, with my unpredictable train of thought, my thoughts turned to a piece I'd recently read about a girl who was discouraging people from donating to the organization Locks of Love.

The young woman was clearly still upset that she hadn't received a wig from Locks of Love when she had Leukemia as a young girl. Now, I will be 100% transparent with you: it breaks my heart that as a preteen girl, this young woman was denied for a wig from Locks of Love.
I do not, however, agree with her readiness to so quickly gloss over the magnitude of what most children who receive wigs from Locks of Love go through. She briefly mentions that people who get these wigs (People with Alopecia) deserve wigs, but never explains exactly what Alopecia is.

Most children who receive these wigs suffer from something called Alopecia. Alopecia is a condition where all of your hair falls out and, once it does, it will likely never come back. It isn't just the hair on your head that is gone. The worst part is that Alopecia has no known cause or cure. You lose your eyebrows, your eyelashes, and literally all of the hair on your body if you suffer from Alopecia Universalis like a few special people in my life do.

Just imagine for a minute that you went to bed tonight and woke up in the morning with a good chunk of your hair laying on your pillow for no apparent reason. Your hair then falls out until suddenly, you find yourself completely bald. It is a pretty terrifying thought, isn't it? Now imagine that this happened to you as a young child.

Personally, I can't imagine what that must be like and I thank God that this has never been a reality for me. As a young elementary schooler, I became aware of the fact that you can donate your hair to make wigs for other people. I can still distinctly remember my mother explaining what happened to people who lost their hair in simple terms that any young kid could understand, "One day, some people's body decides that their hair doesn't belong and it all falls out." Wow. My mind was blown.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this and how kids like me just lost their hair. I couldn't stand that thought so I decided to donate my hair. I hoped that some kid somewhere would get to feel special because they had hair again. When I donated, I gave my hair to Locks of Love.

Hair is something that seems so small until you don't have it. There are plenty of organizations who solely make wigs for kids or adults with cancer, but I personally think (feel free to disagree) that anyone who suffers from Alopecia should have the chance to feel beautiful too. That's why I feel like it is so important to donate to Locks of Love.

Hair helps establish a sense of normalcy for young people. A wig made from real hair gives them the opportunity to swim while still wearing their wig, brush their hair, and even wash it. Those of us who are blessed to have hair can't imagine what it must be like to suddenly lose all of it.

We live in a world where so many terrible things happen. War happens. Natural disaster happens. Terrible accidents and acts of terror happen. People get sick- kids get sick. It isn't really fair to say that one group in need is more worthy than the other. Yes, cancer is devastating. I've seen it shake and even take the lives of family and friends. Yes, I believe that charities like Pantene's Beautiful Lengths project  and Wigs for Kids are equally as noteable. (Wigs for Kids even helps kids who are undergoing radiation and who suffer from Alopecia or Trichotillomania.)

Locks of Love even does give wigs to some kids who have short-term hair loss if the family has a great financial need. In the past, questions have been raised about the donation to wig ratio at Locks of Love. Most of this stems from a single post from Forbes in 2013 regarding the fact that they sell many donations. This makes sense if you have personally donated or know someone who has donated their hair. Frankly, many people don't take care of their hair like they ought to. While their hair isn't bad enough to reject, it isn't up to par with the many donations it takes to make a wig. The hair is sold as to help with upkeep costs. Wigs are costly things to make! LoL also has a disclaimer on their website that states:

"Solicitations often occur on behalf of Locks of Love as part of an event being held to benefit Locks of Love. These events are normally registered with Locks of Love and have obtained approval to use our trademark name and logo in association with promoting the event. However, it has been brought to our attention that unauthorized solicitations are occurring from time to time. The organization Locks of Love does not solicit for hair or financial donations through any means."

I will be donating my hair again in 2017. Far off, I know. Since the last time I donated, I've begun to fully appreciate how wonderful it is to have long hair that you can do lots of things with and I want some girl out there to feel the happiness that having long hair makes me feel. When I donate my hair again, it will be to Locks of Love because I truly believe in this organization and the good that it does in our world. Anything that makes the world a brighter place, even if it is just for one person, is a good thing in my book. So sometime in 2017 there will be some girl somewhere on God's green earth (who most likely lost her hair from Alopecia) that will be bopping around with long brown hair. My hair. And I will never even know her, but I can't wait. 

Be the Moon

Have you ever found yourself wide awake in the middle of the night and unable to get back to sleep? For most of us, the answer to that is a resounding "Yes". When you are plagued by sleeplessness and find yourself walking about your room or house, you might notice a single bright light spilling through your window: the moon. 

Thanks, Google. This is a gorgeous shot of the moon.

When I was a little kid, my family and I were on vacation. I can't remember where to, but I distinctly remember seeing the huge Harvest Moon rising over the road just between the trees. I matter-of-fact-ly announced, "The moon is so beautiful here". I clearly didn't understand that the moon you see is always the same moon no matter where you go. (I also used to think that the moon chased the car as we drove down the road, but that is another story for another day.) The point of this is simple: God reveals His greatness to us in the simplest of ways and if we aren't listening we just might miss what He is trying to tell us. 

Fast forward from my childhood to last night. I was standing in my car port looking out at the night sky- a dark and mysterious blue canvas dotted here and there with small stars, but with nothing shining brighter than the moon. The moon was perfectly full and shone in a way so that not only was it bright, the sky around it was too. You know those moments when facts you don't often think of just pop into your head? This was one of them. All of the sudden, I remembered that the light the moon gives off isn't really light from the moon at all. Rather, the moon reflects light from the sun. I stood for a moment in awe of the moon's beauty until I finally thought: "Oh, I see now! Thanks, God." 

In and of ourselves we have no light. With Jesus in our hearts, we reflect the light of The Son- the ultimate source of light. We may try to shine apart from Him, but the cold, hard truth is this: when we try to outshine the Son, we aren't the moon. We are one of those stars barely flickering in the distance that, with light-years taken in to account, likely burned out a very long time ago. We are trying to sustain ourselves even though that is ultimately impossible. Without Christians who are willing reflect Jesus' light and to not strive to shine on their own, the world would be like a moonless night. People would stumble around aimlessly in the darkness with nothing to show them that there is a better way.  

Now, yes, the sun is a star just like all the stars in the night sky. Think about it like this, the sun is the only star in our solar system. (Hence the word "solar".) Yes, there may be other stars out there that are enticing and interesting, but the sun is our star. It is the one that makes our lives possible and without the sun we would be utterly doomed. Therefore (like how I used that, Paul fans?), the fact that the moon reflects the light of the sun is pretty awe-inspiring. Or at least I think so. 

We must be willing to first die to ourselves in order for God to make us shine brighter than we ever could have imagined. When we try to take our sparkle into our own hands, we have no light. We have nothing to separate us from the countless masses of self-seeking people who just want to see themselves shine. God has a plan for us that is for something far greater than our glory. God wants to use us to shine for His glory. The thought that He who put the Sun in the sky that makes our lives possible and sent His Son to us to save us from a life apart from Him would allow us to reflect the light of Jesus like the moon reflects the sun is a thought that is completely humbling, inspiring, and also a little terrifying if you think about it. When we endeavor to reflect Jesus in our lives, we can't take this task lightly. Our success, yes- even our failure, in doing so doesn't only impact our lives. It can potentially have an eternal consequence on those around us who are still sleepless at night looking for the light. They are searching for something that casts out the darkness. Sometimes it seems like the night is never-ending, but the light you reflect might just be what helps bring the light of Jesus into there lives.

The question is this: Are you reflecting Jesus or trying to shine on your own?